


The Angara: a Guide to Emotion

by Tranquil_Tevine



Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Low Self Esteem, some self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-11 16:49:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13528479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tranquil_Tevine/pseuds/Tranquil_Tevine
Summary: They were the complete opposite really, Jaal an open book in a library anyone could remove while she was a diary, closed with a number padlock what held within. Despite it all, can one help the other?





	The Angara: a Guide to Emotion

She had one hell of a crew. That was the best way Phoenix could sum it up, anyway. Let it never be said that The Tempest only has humans on board.  
 

It was true that they all differed from one another, that was a given, but the Angara was something entirely new to her, to them all.  
 

More specifically, Jaal. Growing up, her father was never one for emotion and as a result, she and Scott became 'emotionally underdeveloped' as he liked to call it, or 'a little more fucked in the head.' as she so affectionately referred to them as.

   
Jaal wasn't afraid of his feelings, more than happy to share what was on his mind and she often had to leave the room out of discomfort, as it made her realise a few things about herself that she'd rather not.  
 

A Pathfinder, tasked with creating a new home for all, yet effectively recognising and dealing with emotions went beyond her.  
 

The guilt was consuming, when she caught Jaal's confusion and slight hurt with her not so subtle avoidance of him.  
 

The problem was her. A ticking time bomb. She could feel every little thing chip away at her patience, twitching eyelid practically a permanent fixture. Like Drack and Peebee, she'd taken to avoiding Lexi like she did the wildlife in Havarl, taking out her frustrations on the Kett, or whatever manner of things they tended to come across.

   
Rubbing her forehead in some feeble attempt to lessen an imminent headache, Phoenix finished the last of her report on the vault in Eos, agitation worsening as nothing distracted her mind.  
 

Ever since waking up, there was no one to talk things through. No one she relied on except her brother but he was unavailable and even though they were twins, sometimes she didn't share everything, the same as sometimes he didn't. The crew saw her as an immovable pillar of strength, polite and professional at all times. She had always been this way, more so since her dad died. He was a hard ass and not much of a father but still family.  
 

The only time the armor not equipped for battle came off, was in the safety of her quarters.  
 

"Shit." Putting her head in her hands, she could feel the stress and frustration mount.  
 

'Pathfinder, I am detecting an increase in heart rate and arterial tension.'  
 

"No shit, SAM!" She spoke through gritted teeth, taking deep breaths.  
 

"Sorry." She immediately felt bad afterwards.  
 

'I am here to assist, should you have need of it.'  
 

Taking a seat on her bed, pinpointing exactly what was stronger, her guilt over the treatment of Jaal or anger at her own incompetence, was difficult to decide.

   
"This has to stop." Muttering to herself, she emailed Jaal, asking for him to see her in her quarters asap.

   
She was no good with emotion in general. Even though her heart went out to Jaal the moment he discovered he'd been fighting what was once his own people, all she could do was awkwardly place a hand on his shoulder, cringing internally all the while and offer help, as sincere but stiff as it sounded.

   
She trusted Jaal. It was difficult to not trust someone who openly expressed their emotion rather than hiding it and with that thought in mind, maybe he could help. Not to mention she had to apologise and try to explain herself, but actually talking things through and waiting to hear if words were rejected or not filled her with no small amount of dread.

   
Thankful that beer was still a thing in the future, or now her present, Phoenix pulled one from storage, drinking for the sake of liquid courage.

   
"Pull yourself together you fuck," She told herself, sighing. "All you're going to do is talk. That's it. There's no goddamn danger, no Kett, no fighting. Just talk."

   
Though saying this aloud was to reassure herself, it only made her more nervous.

   
She jumped a mile high when there was a knock, almost dropping the bottle held in a death grip. Putting it down and telling herself to focus she opened it, faced with Jaal, hands uncovered for once.

   
"I-ah-" She stuttered some, watching the surprise in his expression as she stumbled over her words. An embarrassed flush crossed her face. "Come in."

   
Once he did so the lock shut behind, leaving them alone in the room.

   
A wave of nervousness passed over her, so strong she felt almost nauseous.

   
"Are you alright, Ryder?"

   
At his voice, filled with honest to god concern which shouldn't even be directed at her, a laugh escaped her lips, sounding hollow and dark.  
 

While Jaal took a seat with his attention focused on her she paced in short bursts around the room, needing something to focus on and flexing her fists. Taking a deep breath she stopped for a moment, taking all the willpower she had to look into his eyes so her sincerity would show.

   
"I apologise." She closed her eyes for a brief second, opening them once the needed words came to her mind, not exactly preparing a speech beforehand. "My treatment towards you has been average at best and it wasn't my intention to hurt you, though I know I have."  
 

Her heart clenched at the thought. "I don't hate you, I think you're cool. I'm the problem. I see that you can be so free and open with your emotions and it reminds me of everything I'm not, everything I can't be. I can't be honest with myself or how I feel."  
 

Taking a seat next to him she urged to shoot something more than ever, hands trembling with need. She spoke to her knees, the seconds of courage she had to meet his eyes for that moment gone.  
 

"I called you here to say sorry and ask for help, though it's the least I deserve. I'd talk to my brother but he's out for the count and you're the only one of my team I think I can trust."  
 

Her throat closed, unable to speak any more. Waiting for a response was so much worse than explaining what was on her mind, the fear of laughter and rejection at the forefront.  
 

She wore no armor, unguarded and raw in every sense. She hated it but at the same time, strangely relieved to say it all.  
 

At the touch of a hand on her shoulder, she stiffened immediately, feeling the adrenalin rush similar to her fight or flight state.  
 

She closed her eyes preparing for the worst but got something unexpected instead.

   
"Thank you for being honest. I'm filled with relief to know that you don't hate me." He continued after a moment.

   
"I like you. Though you are one of the strangest aliens I've encountered your heart remains true if tightly closed. You have helped my people on several occasions. So yes, I will offer my assistance."  
 

"What, really? Just like that? You don't want anything in return?" Question after question fell from her lips, confusion swimming in her eyes.  
 

"We are friends. You are to me and I hope that I am to you. Liam told me that you can't put a price on friendship."  
 

Oh. Phoenix couldn't speak for several seconds, mouth opening and closing.  
 

"Y-yeah, we're friends." At that thought, a hesitant smile crossed her face but remembering she had company, tried to keep her usual expressionless one.

   
She could feel Jaal's eyes on her. "Why do you hide all emotion? The time I have spent here, I have come to understand that humans hide their pain but others laugh or smile without concern."  
 

She thought for a moment. "I'm used to it I guess. Growing up with a dad who had the emotional range of a cardboard box had a lot to do with it. He never showed his feelings so Scott and I are pretty much emotionally fucked. There wasn't much time to be kids, a military structure to the days was normal."  
 

"I see." Sadness coloured the tone of his voice. "Try to smile, as you did before." At her look he demonstrated, smile so honest and starry eyes sparkling, that she felt her own lips form one. She was about to instinctively correct this when Jaal's voice stopped her.  
 

"Let it be. This smile is the first small step towards expressing yourself like us."  
 

While she doubted she'd ever be open like Jaal, to smile and laugh without worrying would be a good start.  
 

Used to following orders she decided to adopt that approach and little by little, a small smile appeared, mouth aching some from the unfamiliar movement.  
 

"That's it, Ryder." Jaal looked pleased and her hand touched the side of her mouth, a strange emotion welling in her she couldn't place.  
 

Then, she couldn't help but sigh. How pathetic was it that she couldn't even act like a normal person and she was responsible for making Andromeda a place to live for all?  
 

On Aya, the amount of hugging Angara surprised her and at that moment, her heart twinged with pain. Why couldn't she be like that? She could never give someone affection and much less ever ask for it. She was the strangest Alien aboard The Tempest.  
 

She couldn't speak, sadness overwhelming her and as she felt the telltale sign of tears she quickly stood up, going to leave.  
 

"Where are you going?"  
 

"I'll be back. I need to calm down and I'll talk when I'm done."  
 

She moved to leave.  
 

"Wait."  
 

Feeling him behind her she stopped, not speaking nor moving, afraid anything would set her off.  
 

"You have to confront your feelings openly. Right now, you wish to run away from them."

   
Well, that was true. But usually, she was so in control that the lack of it, she found unable to deal with. Biting her lip hard enough to bleed so that she wouldn't let tears escape she did return to the room.

   
"Jaal, I-" She looked at him, almost desperately. "I feel so much in here," she put a hand to her heart, "But I can't show it as your people do. Everyone loves each other so much and they can easily show it. Why can't I?"  
 

"I can see the affection you have for others in your eyes." He looked at her closely. "But, I see none of that affection for yourself."  
 

She swallowed reflexively, about to deny it but that would go against what Jaal was trying to teach her. She needed to be honest with herself, confront her feelings.

   
"Yeah. Right now, I hate myself."  
 

Saying it aloud made it so much worse, the first time she'd been honest with herself was today.  
 

Against her will, her heartbeat rose and she was at a loss of what to do. She didn't want to leave, but not leaving meant she couldn't fly somewhere and gun down Kett.  
 

A strangled noise escaped her throat, a cross between a cry and whimper, as even SAM couldn't get through to her.  
 

"No, no, no," was all she could mutter to herself and before Jaal could react, her fist made contact with the wall. Good, Pain. That was something solid, real. A focus point.  
 

Before she could go in for another swing a hand closed around her fist, firmly enough that she couldn't easily shake it free.  
 

"Please, don't hurt yourself."  
 

His voice filled with anguish, a part of her hated for her actions to make him feel like this, but she mostly wanted to shoot things.  
 

Attempting to keep her voice calm though in truth it was anything but, she tugged on the fist still in Jaal's grasp.  
 

"Let me go."  
 

"Not until you promise you won't hurt yourself."  
 

She blew out a breath in frustration. "I can't."  
 

He said nothing but didn't remove his hand.  
 

"Jaal, please, I can't-"  
 

She tugged harder, struggling more when he rested another hand on her side, but his strength far outstripped hers.  
 

"Ryder, stop. You're fighting against what you're feeling, you have to accept it."  
 

And somehow, in the haze of it all, Jaal's worried words managed to reach her.

   
She once more tugged at her fist and sensing she wouldn't do it again, Jaal released it and her, as she turned around to face him.  
 

"How do I accept it?" She asked, genuinely clueless as she struggled to maintain her composure.  
 

"You want to cry, but you won't let yourself. You're afraid."  
 

Phoenix didn't speak, her slight frame trembling. She'd never wanted to escape so badly and once more Jaal reached out, only to softly brush the hair from her eyes.

   
"Don't be afraid of what you feel. You're not alone."  
 

Alone.  
 

That word in particular resonated as regardless if she was surrounded by people or not, the void of isolation remained, much more since dad died and her comatose brother.  
 

But to hear someone say that she isn't, despite the fact she was in deep space surrounded by people which in truth she didn't know well enough, filled her with relief strong enough that she dropped to her knees, Jaal catching and lowering himself to the floor with her.  
 

"I'm not alone..." She repeated his words, looking him in the eyes.  
 

"You're not alone." He stated once more, a hand once more coming to rest on her shoulder.  
 

At his words and warm touch, her vision began to blur and out of instinct, she turned her face away, still wary of anyone seeing her in what she called a moment of weakness.  
 

A hand cupped the back of her head, fingers running soothingly through her hair. A sound escaped her and alongside it, the flood of tears which had been waiting to escape for so long finally did. She used her hands to hide the sounds and her face from view as much as she could, caught off guard when Jaal pulled her closer to him, still seated onto the floor, in an embrace.

   
She stiffened from shock and the unfamiliar feeling, listening as Jaal spoke by her ear.  
 

"That's it, you're doing well."

   
Despite her general discomfort around the idea but not the idea of being hugged itself, she did wonder what it would feel like, though she didn't expect the answer to be safe. Safer and secure than it had any right to be.  
 

It was as if his warmth stripped away the last feeble defences she had raised as for the first time in a long time, she didn't fight emotion, but accepted it. Her acceptance dampened Jaal's Rofjinn as slowly but surely she relaxed, allowing herself to cry and after a while, returning his embrace. She could almost feel his smile as the calming sensation of having her back rubbed helped ease all the pent-up tension.  
 

Her tears were for everything she hadn't been able to express up until now and neither of them knew how long they remained in the same position but all Phoenix knew was the incredible feeling of peace.  
 

She pulled away slightly, reddened eyes giving him an apologetic look. "I'm guessing its main function isn't to be cried on?" She gestured to his Rofjinn, still leaning against him.  
 

He chuckled slightly, patting her head.

   
"You're correct. Perhaps I shall list it as an optional function."  
 

A smile still on his lips, he regarded Phoenix closely.  
 

"I have come to realize this was difficult for you, though I didn't know how much. I'm proud of you Ryder."

   
The smile came more naturally this time. "Call me Phoenix. We're friends, right?"  
 

The happiest smile she'd ever seen him give, was suddenly directed at her. "Of course."

   
For a moment they sat there in silence, Jaal about to speak once more when soft, even breathing caught his attention.  
 

To his surprise, she had fallen asleep. To allow herself to do that must mean she trusts him enough to allow him to see her in the most vulnerable state. The thought of this lightened his heart previously weighed down in pain for the young woman in his arms.  
 

"Sleep well, Phoenix," he spoke softly, so as not to wake her. Lifting her into his arms he placed her under the covers and as an afterthought, removed her footwear.

   
Jaal reached out, stroking her cheek. Though even in sleep a furrow appeared between her brows. However, they had made progress. He was confident that with each day, Phoenix would be able to express herself more and anything to help ease the burden, he would gladly do so.  
 

With that thought in mind, he left the Pathfinder's quarters. While her mission was to find her people a new home, Jaal would see to it that mission 'Teach Ryder Angaran Ways' was accomplished.


End file.
